• The Good Life
    • Parenting
    • Clean & Tidy
    • Motivational Monday
  • Healthy Eats
    • Healthy Life
  • Conversations
  • Our Favorites
    • What’s Working Wednesday
    • Friday Favorites
    • Guest Post
  • Resources
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
    • Twitter

Mommy Convos

How to Reach your Teen Through Their Love Language

in Building Relationships, Conversations, Family Relationships, Guest Post, Resources, What's Working Wednesday on 26/05/20

From the day that darling little bundle was placed in your arms; nothing could have prepared you for the complexities of ADOLESCENCE!  The joys and challenges that often come with raising teenagers is nothing short of a wild roller-coaster ride. From the extreme highs to the lowest of lows; we (parents & caregivers) often feel inadequate to handle the emotional, social, and physical difficulties that face our teenagers today. My husband and I were just such parents! With 11 children of all ages and abilities, the “Teen Years” were unarguably some of our greatest trials. Through this article, I hope to share our struggles and triumphs in such a way; that they might assist you on your journey in strengthening your connection or reconnecting with your adolescent son or daughter. One of the most effective strategies I have found to accomplish this objective, is through their Love Language.

What is a LOVE Language?

Author, Gary Chapman, Ph.D. is the Love Language guru of our time. Since 1992 Doctor Chapman has written several books dedicated to strengthening and healing our most important relationships. Love begins (or should begin) at home where our first connections are established. Many of us have our own thoughts and ideas about how to rear responsible, respectful and loving children. However, if you are like me…parenting does not always go as planned. In fact, in my experience; it rarely goes as planned! I found myself so focused on why we should meet the end goal (rearing responsible, respectful, and loving children) that I forgot how to get there; that’s when I discovered Dr. Chapman’s book of the Five Love Languages for teens.

There are five primary love languages that can be used to fill our teens “Love Tank”. They are: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts. Definitions of each of these are as follows:

Words of affirmation:

Using words or language that builds confidence and compliment our teen. This can be done through a variety of ways such as: verbal communication, letters of appreciation, a lunch box note, a note on the mirror, etc. You know your teen the best! Reach them through things that interest them. Mark Twain once said,

“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

Speaking kind words about your teen in front of others will do wonders to bolster their self-esteem.

Physical Touch:

Timing is everything! Teens are different than children and public display of affection may not be as welcomed as it once was. Physical touch for teens can be tricky; you have to know where, when and how to touch your young adults that allows them to feel the emotional support you are offering.

For example, one of our foster daughters was sexually assaulted. This was a horrifying experience for her. Her primary Love Language was physical touch. However, when this tragedy took place, she was so fearful of anyone touching her that she would shy away from any form of embrace. She established rigid boundaries that did not allow for physical touch -from anyone- for a long time. It was a difficult emotional process. Over time, she eventually learned that not everyone was going to hurt her. We had to be consciously aware of when and how to touch her, reassuring her that not all touch was bad or painful.

Remember Personal Boundaries

Teens who experience any form of sexual abuse may respond in a similar or negative ways toward physical touch. Be cautious and respect their boundaries while you seek professional support. Knowing when to touch and when not to, takes careful planning and parental/caregiver intuition. Individual successes or personal failures can be acknowledged and augmented through physical touch accompanied by verbal affirmation to further express sincere love, appreciation, and support. Simply remember to respect your teens’ personal boundaries and let them know in every way they are loved and supported.

Quality Time:

This one can also be complicated as young adults are moving toward personal independence and time with friends over time with family. Demonstrating love through quality time can be accomplished with careful planning. Find ways to adjust your schedule that includes time with your teen. Quality time should be focused on your teen’s interests such as: dinner out, fun activity, athletic event. Or, simply quiet time for the two of you to talk, play a game, listen to music or enjoy a movie together. Let your teen know during your time together, you are physically and emotionally “there” for them.

Acts of Service:

Parenting itself is a service-oriented occupation (Chapman, 2005). We give all kinds of service to our families on a daily basis; however, this type of service must be distinctive and focused on your teen. Kind Acts of Service; such as completing household responsibilities, helping them study for an exam, or make a favorite meal can send your teen a clear message that they are valued and loved.

Gift Giving:

Dr. Chapman describes it best when he states,

“Gifts are visible, tangible evidence of emotional love.”

Gifts can encompass all types of things including: money, trips, trinkets and other meaningful things. They should be centered toward your teen and should not be considered “payment for services rendered”. For example “If you do this…… I will give you this”. Deal-making is often used to manipulate specific behaviors from children and teens. This method is fine in other circumstances.  However, gifts should be given as a way to express love in a genuine and special way. This demonstrates that you treasure and value your young adult as an individual.

While raising our own children and fostering others; we’ve had some interesting and educational experiences. I will be the first to admit that in the beginning, we were TERRIBLE at figuring this out. (And we still sometimes struggle to this day!) Every young person is different, so please, be patient with yourself and your teen as you learn this new concept. The rewards will be well worth it!

Getting on the same page with your teen means understanding their love language, teen communication, love languages for teens, teen communication,

Primary and Secondary Love Languages

Adolescents may fall into more than one category; however, there is typically one primary love language that is most effective in reaching your “tween or young adult”.  Dr. Chapman helps parents and caregivers determine your teen’s Love Language through a series of quizzes found in the back of his book “The Five Love Languages of Teenagers”. You can also use this online version if you don’t have access to the book.

Through these simple tests, your teen’s primary love language reveals itself. This will be the most effective way to connect and strengthen your relationship. Subsequent Love Languages will also be discovered (through the same testing) as you view the scoring and is often the next highest category. I actually had a teen that scored very similarly in 3 of the 5 Love Languages, allowing to utilize varying methods to connect to this young adult. In my experience, most teens enjoy finding out their Love Language and learning how this can help them connect with family and friends. These resources are most helpful and will strengthen your relationships as you discover new ways to bond with your teenager.

How Do I Use Love Language to Connect to My Teen?

So, before we get into how to use Love Languages to connect to your teen; let me share how NOT to do it. My 13-year-old son’s primary Love Language is gifts. I was misusing gifts to express love and appreciation toward him (or so I thought) as I continued to give him things as a reward. I was surprised as this did NOT WORK as well as I expected.

After more research for this article, I came to realize I was not presenting gifts to simply show my love to him. Instead, (this is embarrassing to admit) I was using the gift as a bargaining tool. Uuugggghhhhhh!!  Let me be clear, this is not the correct way to use this Love Language.  Once I began using gift-giving to show I love him correctly, my son blossomed! He has more confidence and assurance in who he is as an individual. As a result, he feels more secure in his place in our family.

Teens and tweens struggle with a menagerie of things from raging hormones and emotions to friend and dating troubles. They need to know and feel that their parent is in their corner. Identifying and utilizing their Love Language to connect with them will be foundational as they learn to connect with others and begin building lasting relationships.

Put it into Practice

We have six adopted children at home and even though their stories and backgrounds are different; all of their love languages include quality time and physical touch. It makes sense to me that a neglected or abused child would want to feel love through tender touches and quality time. Bedtime stories for our kiddos are a must! This is a favorite time of the evening and helps to settle everyone before nodding off to sleep…Yes, this even works for my 18-year-old. We all snuggle on the couch (physical touch) while we read scripture stories and then a fun book (quality time) before saying family prayers. I believe this routine gives each person in our family a sense of belonging and an assurance that they are indeed loved. Depending on the Love Language, there are endless creative ways to demonstrate your love and admiration for your teenager.

Something my 18-year-old enjoys is writing songs. So, we spend quality time (her secondary love language) finding words to write lyrics then she composes the music to her new song on her guitar. Her primary love language is physical touch. She is always looking for “warm hugs” or enjoys snuggling up with mom, dad, or siblings watching a movie. My 13-year-old enjoys working with my husband on our family car or any building/repair project. He has fun learning about the different tools while spending time with his dad. The most important way to connect with your teen is to learn what makes them happy; use that coupled with their Love Language and you’ll make significant deposits in their love bank!

Getting on the same page with your teen means understanding their love language teen communication, love languages for teens, teen communication,

How Does My Teen Respond When I Do (or do not) Use their Love Language?

Love Languages can be a catalyst in creating a needed foundation to bolster relationships with your tween and young adult. It is important to remember that showing love to your teen through your Love Language WILL NOT help them feel love. They may appreciate your efforts; however, ultimately this method will not demonstrate the desired results.

You must reach your teen through their Love Language. Think about it for a minute…if your love language is Acts of Service and your “better half” comes home and gives you a big squeeze, (because his Love Language is physical touch) then goes to sit down and relax…that probably won’t make the cut for a husband-of-the-year award. However, if he came home, gave you a big hug then asked what he could do to help out? That might do the trick right? You get the idea. Tweens and young adults of all ages and abilities want to feel love in a way that makes sense to them.

Cause & Effect

Through Dr. Chapman’s book we learn how to accomplish this and have a little fun on the way there. I can tell you that in our experience; when we use individual Love Languages to reach our teens, they are happier, more responsible, more willing to listen and follow family rules. They had the ability to “widen their window of tolerance” (I spoke about this in my past article here) and everyone is more connected. When you’re strongly connected you feel LOVE, PEACE, CONFIDENCE, JOY, HAPPINESS, and TOLERANCE.

When we do not use Love Language to communicate love to our young people; it will not be noticed at first…but then you will see less tolerance, less connectivity, less confidence in themselves, insecurity, loneliness, angry with self/others, more frustrated, etc. Connecting through Love Languages (in our experience) have built our relationships with our tweens and teens and remaining family members.

Seeing My Teen through New Lenses

Once we were using Love Languages to strengthen our relationships with the tweens and teens in our family; we began to see a great transformation. We recognized that they demonstrated deeper levels of trust, love, and harmony in the home. Now, of course this does not mean that our home is this amazing state of bliss all the time; with six special-needs children we definitely have days where life is just messy (in fact that’s us most days). However, we are seeing a significant positive difference in the attitudes and behaviors of our tweens and teens. This example has trickled down to our younger children and has helped our family become closer.

Conclusion

Parenting is a work in progress and we are learning through trial and error. Honestly, I wish we had understood Dr. Chapman’s Love Languages long before now, as it may have helped us connect more closely with our older adult children. We are blessed to have a very large family and with that there are challenges and extraordinary moments (like most families). Using Champman’s Love Languages helped us see our young adults through new lenses. We are getting to know them on a deeper level and that has been worth any amount of work it took to get there!

Wishing you the best of luck!

Joelle

Add a Comment

Joelle Ainsley

About Joelle Ainsley

Joelle is a passionate, creative and seasoned mom with over 30 years of parenting experience. She has been married to the love of her life for nearly 37 years and together they have 11 amazing children (6 of whom are adopted) and 10 (soon-to-be 12) beautiful grandkids. Over the last 20 years, Joelle and her husband were home to 53 foster children. Her experiences inspired Joelle to return to college earning her bachelor’s degree in Human Services and a master’s degree in Public Administration. Joelle is always looking for ways to have fun while creating opportunities to strengthen parent/child connections. Aside from her large family, Joelle enjoys floral arranging, cooking, writing, reading, and taking long walks through the orchards with her dogs, Noble & Honor.

Restored 316 Feminine Wordpress Theme Design using the Genesis Framework

Sign up to get our latest printables for FREE!

« The 5 Best Apps Every Marriage Needs
How to Raise Helpful Children in a Selfish World »

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

So glad you found us!

Mommy ConvosHi there! We are Morgan & Tiffaynee and we are the mommies behind Mommy Convos. It is our mission to inspire mothers to build and strengthen their family relationships. We believe mothers can change the world, and that happens - one conversation at a time.

Join the convo!

Don't miss out on our latest insider freebies!

Instagram

mommyconvos

We believe mothers can change the world and that happens one conversation at a time. Snag our free "Summer Resources" E-book below 💕🏡

Morgan & Tiffaynee
Christmas is less than a week away. And if you hav Christmas is less than a week away. And if you haven’t read any of these adorable books – I highly suggest all of them. “But it’s too late!” You might be thinking and slightly panicking.... nonsense! ⠀
•⠀
•⠀
In fact, this post is perfectly timed to prepare you for your final purchases this weekend or even, Christmas book clearance time. 🥳 When Christmas is over I’m certain many of these books will go on sale. (Insert happy deal shoppers dance here! 💃🏼 🛍) •⠀
•⠀
So, I suggest you look for these books today to add to your library for the next holiday season. 🎁🎅🏻 ⠀
•⠀
•⠀
Head to our stories to see Morgan talk about some of her favorites, click the link in our bio for the Christmas book article or to shop all of our fav books- click on the Amazon link. ⠀
•⠀
• What holiday book is your favorite to read with your kids?
Morgan here- I’m all about planning ahead, espec Morgan here- I’m all about planning ahead, especially for the biggest holiday of the year, but I forget one small detail... the stockings. 🙈😑 Please tell me i’m not the only one? 
•
•
Last night the hubby and I finished our Christmas shopping and I can finally put the wallet away. I’m certain we’re done- I hope. I should probably check my stash to be sure! 🙈
•
•
Sharing today our list of fun non-toy stocking stuffers you can snag before it’s too late! Head to our @mommyconvos bio for the details! 
•
•
So, here’s the next question: do you Christmas shop for the family by yourself? (❤️) Or do you team up with your spouse? (❤️💚) Leave the colored heart that best describes you- below!
Hi friends! We hope that you are having an amazing Hi friends! We hope that you are having an amazing week and are having a blast gearing up for the holidays ahead. With 2020 coming to an end, we can all relate to how tough this year has been. However, the initial tendency as a parent might be to overspend in an effort to compensate for whatever did or didn't happen in 2020. ⁣
⁣
LET ME GIVE YOU THIS REASSURANCE, MOMMAS- it is NOT necessary to buy more during the holidays in order to compensate for whatever you feel your children lacked this year. ❤ ⁣
⁣
Instead, we highly suggest minimizing your Christmas stress by implementing a minimalistic mindset each year, but this year in particular. This year has blessed us with the specific opportunity to tune in and be more mindful of those you love, just like our Savior does for us. So take this time to BE more present instead of spending extra cash on gifts. We promise it will be absolutely worth it. ⁣
⁣
If you are looking at enjoying a more minimalistic holiday, be sure to check out the latest from the blog for some great tips and tricks for finding balance and peace this year. Just click the link in our bio @mommyconvos ⁣
⁣
How are you prepping for the holidays that are a little different than in previous years? 🎁🎄
Recently, my social media feed is full of #givetha Recently, my social media feed is full of #givethanks gratitude posts Oh how I love the change of focus! My list of gratitude is oh so long, my faith and my family are the top of my list, but also is good literature. Goodness, life is so much better with good books!  I love discovering new holiday books, and this year I found several now books to add to our collection. 
•
•
“Thanksgiving is here”- playfully illustrates the joys and chaos of large families gathering for Thanksgiving dinner. And when company leaves- how exhausted the hosts feel. Something as a mom I totally sympathize with. 😂
•
•
Another delight Thanksgiving book addition to our library this year is, “T-is for Thankful”. @babylit has done it again! Creating the cutest illustrated book centered around all the alphabetical great and small things to be thankful for this year.
•
•
Last year I shared our review on “Bad kitty does not like Thanksgiving” and this book is hilarious! Check out our Insta-stories for the awesome video review on this and other of our favorite Thanksgiving books.
•
•
Do you have a favorite thanksgiving book? Please share below so we can continue to learn from each other! Happy holidays friends. 🦃 🥧 Morgan and Tiffaynee
Today I’ve felt anxious. I know i’m not the on Today I’ve felt anxious. I know i’m not the only one feeling this way with the impending presidential announcement... so how do we handle feeling off, anxious or depressed? One of the best things you can do -right this moment- give a hug. Cuddle close to a loved one and hold one another. Breathe deep. And hug for another breath. And hopefully you’ll slowly feel that anxiety release. And feel free to cuddle longer. 😘
•
•
Sending a warm hug your way friend. 
❤️Tiff.
“When my daughter passed away unexpectedly at 10 “When my daughter passed away unexpectedly at 10 months old, my heart shattered. I was beyond broken… I was shattered beyond repair.⁣
⁣
They say it takes a “village” to raise a child…⁣
⁣
At that moment my “village” is what kept me alive…”⁣
•⁣
•⁣
@momma.hutch is 1 of every 4 women in the United States alone, who are affected by infertility or infant loss, or both. Mallory shares her brave story of dear Mackenzie’s passing and the journey she and her family are still going through. In this article Mallory  offers 10 invaluable and thoughtful ways to help a grief-stricken friend and we couldn’t agree more with her list. ⁣
•⁣
•⁣
To read her article- click @mommyconvos link in our bio. If you are a mother currently going through the grieving process- our deepest condolences and a virtual hug sent your way. We encourage you to check out Mallory‘s amazing supportive Instagram group: ... ⁣
•⁣
•⁣
When you are sad what is the one thing that cheers you up? I’ll give you a hint what mine is in the comments. 😍
Load More... FOLLOW ON INSTAGRAM

Popular Posts

childbirth, postpartum depression, how to identify PPD and PPA, difficult pregnancy and childbirth, traumatic childbirth, childbirth, how to understand what postpartum depression looks like

How a Difficult Childbirth can Surrender your Mental and Emotional Health

5 reasons to give adventures instead of gifts this year

Planning Christmas Like a Minimalist

30 Captivating Christmas Books You Need to Read Now

Join Us on Instagram

mommyconvos

We believe mothers can change the world and that happens one conversation at a time. Snag our free "Summer Resources" E-book below 💕🏡

Morgan & Tiffaynee
Christmas is less than a week away. And if you hav Christmas is less than a week away. And if you haven’t read any of these adorable books – I highly suggest all of them. “But it’s too late!” You might be thinking and slightly panicking.... nonsense! ⠀
•⠀
•⠀
In fact, this post is perfectly timed to prepare you for your final purchases this weekend or even, Christmas book clearance time. 🥳 When Christmas is over I’m certain many of these books will go on sale. (Insert happy deal shoppers dance here! 💃🏼 🛍) •⠀
•⠀
So, I suggest you look for these books today to add to your library for the next holiday season. 🎁🎅🏻 ⠀
•⠀
•⠀
Head to our stories to see Morgan talk about some of her favorites, click the link in our bio for the Christmas book article or to shop all of our fav books- click on the Amazon link. ⠀
•⠀
• What holiday book is your favorite to read with your kids?
Morgan here- I’m all about planning ahead, espec Morgan here- I’m all about planning ahead, especially for the biggest holiday of the year, but I forget one small detail... the stockings. 🙈😑 Please tell me i’m not the only one? 
•
•
Last night the hubby and I finished our Christmas shopping and I can finally put the wallet away. I’m certain we’re done- I hope. I should probably check my stash to be sure! 🙈
•
•
Sharing today our list of fun non-toy stocking stuffers you can snag before it’s too late! Head to our @mommyconvos bio for the details! 
•
•
So, here’s the next question: do you Christmas shop for the family by yourself? (❤️) Or do you team up with your spouse? (❤️💚) Leave the colored heart that best describes you- below!
Hi friends! We hope that you are having an amazing Hi friends! We hope that you are having an amazing week and are having a blast gearing up for the holidays ahead. With 2020 coming to an end, we can all relate to how tough this year has been. However, the initial tendency as a parent might be to overspend in an effort to compensate for whatever did or didn't happen in 2020. ⁣
⁣
LET ME GIVE YOU THIS REASSURANCE, MOMMAS- it is NOT necessary to buy more during the holidays in order to compensate for whatever you feel your children lacked this year. ❤ ⁣
⁣
Instead, we highly suggest minimizing your Christmas stress by implementing a minimalistic mindset each year, but this year in particular. This year has blessed us with the specific opportunity to tune in and be more mindful of those you love, just like our Savior does for us. So take this time to BE more present instead of spending extra cash on gifts. We promise it will be absolutely worth it. ⁣
⁣
If you are looking at enjoying a more minimalistic holiday, be sure to check out the latest from the blog for some great tips and tricks for finding balance and peace this year. Just click the link in our bio @mommyconvos ⁣
⁣
How are you prepping for the holidays that are a little different than in previous years? 🎁🎄
Recently, my social media feed is full of #givetha Recently, my social media feed is full of #givethanks gratitude posts Oh how I love the change of focus! My list of gratitude is oh so long, my faith and my family are the top of my list, but also is good literature. Goodness, life is so much better with good books!  I love discovering new holiday books, and this year I found several now books to add to our collection. 
•
•
“Thanksgiving is here”- playfully illustrates the joys and chaos of large families gathering for Thanksgiving dinner. And when company leaves- how exhausted the hosts feel. Something as a mom I totally sympathize with. 😂
•
•
Another delight Thanksgiving book addition to our library this year is, “T-is for Thankful”. @babylit has done it again! Creating the cutest illustrated book centered around all the alphabetical great and small things to be thankful for this year.
•
•
Last year I shared our review on “Bad kitty does not like Thanksgiving” and this book is hilarious! Check out our Insta-stories for the awesome video review on this and other of our favorite Thanksgiving books.
•
•
Do you have a favorite thanksgiving book? Please share below so we can continue to learn from each other! Happy holidays friends. 🦃 🥧 Morgan and Tiffaynee
Today I’ve felt anxious. I know i’m not the on Today I’ve felt anxious. I know i’m not the only one feeling this way with the impending presidential announcement... so how do we handle feeling off, anxious or depressed? One of the best things you can do -right this moment- give a hug. Cuddle close to a loved one and hold one another. Breathe deep. And hug for another breath. And hopefully you’ll slowly feel that anxiety release. And feel free to cuddle longer. 😘
•
•
Sending a warm hug your way friend. 
❤️Tiff.
“When my daughter passed away unexpectedly at 10 “When my daughter passed away unexpectedly at 10 months old, my heart shattered. I was beyond broken… I was shattered beyond repair.⁣
⁣
They say it takes a “village” to raise a child…⁣
⁣
At that moment my “village” is what kept me alive…”⁣
•⁣
•⁣
@momma.hutch is 1 of every 4 women in the United States alone, who are affected by infertility or infant loss, or both. Mallory shares her brave story of dear Mackenzie’s passing and the journey she and her family are still going through. In this article Mallory  offers 10 invaluable and thoughtful ways to help a grief-stricken friend and we couldn’t agree more with her list. ⁣
•⁣
•⁣
To read her article- click @mommyconvos link in our bio. If you are a mother currently going through the grieving process- our deepest condolences and a virtual hug sent your way. We encourage you to check out Mallory‘s amazing supportive Instagram group: ... ⁣
•⁣
•⁣
When you are sad what is the one thing that cheers you up? I’ll give you a hint what mine is in the comments. 😍
Load More... FOLLOW ON INSTAGRAM
Daily Boutique Deals

© Mommy Convos, LLC and mommyconvos.com, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission is strictly prohibited.

Copyright © 2021 · glam theme by Restored 316

  • Contact Us
  • Terms of Use
  • About Us